Divorce is never easy for kids, but there are some steps single dads can take to help their adjustment. These tips are good ones for single moms too, but they are more commonly the challenges that single dads face as they move on to creating a different life with their kids.
1. Do what you realistically can in the time you have with your kids. You might wish you could impress some lessons on your kids that you no longer have time for. You may not be able to get in all the homework discipline, karate moves or father-child guidance that you used to. You wonder, "What will I do to make sure the kids get that from me?" Well, you have to revise your vision of what you can do and create a nice balance in how you spend your time together. Make sure that being relaxed is right up on top of your goals for your time together.
2. Understand what your kids are really saying if they 'give you attitude'. No matter what, kids just want their parents to be together. Testing behaviors are often their way of saying, "I don't like that you are divorced." They are expressing their feelings in the way they know how. You have to have those 'broad shoulders' and keep loving them unconditionally no matter how they test your
patience and love.
3. Let your child have relationships with friends or family members, although you may not be on
speaking terms with them. Happy kids are not involved in adult issues. Kids are their own people and your disputes have nothing to do with them. If there is a 'malfunction' in your family [such as you do not talk to your sister-in-law], do not let your biases stop your child from enjoying time with her aunt [unless you feel there is a legitimately serious concern].
4. Do not become someone else to your child when you remarry or get into a new relationship. You can get so caught up in the newness, that you unintentionally back burner the kids. Your
children need you to be focused on them. You will be free to peacefully enjoy your other
relationships for a long time, if you take care of your kids in the way they need you right now. [And
this takes sharp listening skills.]
5. Have rules for your kids. Your rules can be different than at Mom's house but you have to have them.You keep your child feeling safe with your own set of expectations - bedtime, healthy foods, time on the computer.
When in doubt, here is your self-coaching question: "What is in the best interest of my child?" Your children will love and appreciate you when you let that question guide you.
Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavior Specialist Consultant. She is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Parents, Educators and Caregivers and Social Skills: The Micro Steps. Subscribe for free and see more about Ellen at http://artofbehaviorchange.com/ You can take a free mini assessment which Ellen will reply to with your first action step. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children and adults have when they feel they don't fit in. Currently she works in private practice helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones find the tools to thrive.
By Ellen Mossman-Glazer
